The journey to self-love brings you down a dark alley of emotional energy like shame, guilt and abandonment. If I want to fully love myself I must begin where it all started.
My name is Billie Lee and I am transgender. I was born and raised as a boy. As a child I was forced to play the male role: “Billie, hold your fork more like a boy,” “Billie, only sissies walk like that.” I honor my parents for what they knew. They were only trying to protect me with the knowledge they were given. After being taken in and out of school, misdiagnosed with childhood depression and OCD, my parents just assumed I would turn out gay. I was shocked to learn after all the times being sent home crying for feeling too feminine for a boy’s body no one diagnosed me as transgender. A part of me is pissed, I want to scream, “Who was in charge? Did anyone give a fuck?”
Of course, now I know not everyone knew about gender identity issues, especially in a small Midwest town. After leaving my hometown and discussing my gender identity issues with a therapist, I immediately started the physical transformation which began with lots of hormones and ended with major surgeries. I flew all over the world to see the best of the best. Vagina in Thailand, nose and lip-lift in Beverly Hills. I wanted to look like me, not some girl who had a lot of plastic surgery. During any transformation in life you are vulnerable, like an open wound just waiting to heal. Most trans people, including myself, deal with a lot of bullying, which I thought would be over after high school. But during my awkward transformational stages I was beat up by society. I couldn’t get a job for over a year, and dating was not even an option. I felt all the doors close and it was extremely lonely.
As the healing ended and I was forced to face the world as me, Billie Lee, a beautiful woman, I was so shocked at all the possibilities. Every door just opened up for me, it was as if the red carpet was rolled out. Job opportunities were everywhere, boys were lined up. I thought, “Wow, society finally accepts me! I’ve finally made it!” I literally walked around, and still do, amazed by what my beauty does for me. As society accepted me as a woman, I thought, “This is the dream! I’m finally the cool kid on the block.” No one questioned anything.
I learned that in the trans community, that’s called “passing,” so I did what any cool kid would do: I hid everything that wasn’t cool. I took my past along with the transition and locked it up in a box and I hid it in that dark alley where no one would find it. With the help of a very well-known therapist, I acted as if I was a natural-born woman. As I started to live my new life I would find myself connecting with people, but once it got to a deep level I would bounce. Staying too long could result in them finding out.
Every decision I made to cover up my past was taking me further away from myself. A few years would go by and I found myself knee-deep in judgment and rejection. It started with an instant connection. I’ve never felt my heart space open so quickly. He was a deep, beautiful soul with amazing power. I thought, “This is the guy I can tell everything to.” I was almost certain he would understand my past, so I told him. His reaction started with shock, then a deep silence, and I felt the fear enter the room like a creepy serial killer. His first words were, “I’ll never look at you the same. Never.” He rejected me so harshly I was left split open, raw, on my kitchen floor for days. I didn’t want to leave my apartment, I was so devastated.
During this dark time I realized I was so ashamed of who I was! I had no self-love! All the love I was getting was from an outside source who didn’t even know the real me! After three more rounds of being harshly rejected and left on the kitchen floor, I realized I was insane. I was doing the same thing over and over, hoping and expecting a different outcome. What other way is there? Being honest? Should I scream it? Wait, maybe I’ll get a tattoo that says, “Hi, I’m transgender!” Would all my cool kid powers vanish?
As I lifted myself off the floor I knew I needed healing. I attached myself to every spiritual person I knew and I lived in my local spiritual bookstore, reading every self-help book I could find. I started to notice a massive shift in who I was becoming. I started asking, “Who am I? Who am I?” I started being honest with people around me, and they accepted me! I’ve learned over the years we are just reflections of each other! The guys I was dating had trouble with me being transgender because I was having trouble with it! Fear attracts fear! My world was raining “Aha!” moments. I knew what I had to do. I knew I needed to love myself first before anyone else would love me. My dream is not to be a woman who blends in with society so she’s accepted, my new dream is to fully embrace my true authentic self, and honor and love her fully.
