I wanted to post this after coming out. For me as I open my life to others I want to start off with this.
Thank you for supporting me as I challenge the energy of fear. As I step into my new role as a transgender activist I must acknowledge and thank the trans community for being so accepting and encouraging. Your strength inspires me, thank you. Before coming out I spoke to my dad and he said, “Girl, the truth is all you have. What are you waiting for?” Dad, thank you for being so good to me, your love and support means everything to me. I can step into my life purpose with confidence, knowing you have my back. To all my Indiana and LA family who are there every day to pick me up off the floor and fill me up with love: Thank you! I wouldn’t be here today without you. A big thanks to the ones who open their minds to the unknown and instead of living in fear, they educate themselves and learn we are not all alike but we are one. As a community we can unite and heal the world. Lastly, thank you to the people on this planet who respect our home, who appreciate and honor our beautiful planet. You fucking rock!
And…
I’m sorry to the trans community for not coming out sooner to support you. We have lost so many innocent lives because of ignorance and lack of awareness. I promise to live in my truth with my fullest power. I’m sorry to my family who had to deal with the shame of others knowing their kid was “different” it wasn’t easy raising me and I apologize for the ignorance of others. I’m sorry to all the guys I misled by not revealing my truth to you; your first impression and perception of me was a dream come true. It was so selfish of me to not tell you, but I greatly feared my truth might discourage you or push you away. The power of love and acceptance is the reason I held on for so long. It’s honestly why I’m still alive today. I’m sorry my love wasn’t enough, I’m sorry your ego won and both our souls lost. Lastly, I’m sorry I spent so many years mistreating our planet, taking everything it has to offer for granted. I promise to educate and inspire myself and others to treat you with kindness and appreciate all your natural recourse that nourish and heal us.
Namaste
The journey to self-love brings you down a dark alley of emotional energy like shame, guilt and abandonment. If I want to fully love myself I must begin where it all started.
My name is Billie Lee and I am transgender. I was born and raised as a boy. As a child I was forced to play the male role: “Billie, hold your fork more like a boy,” “Billie, only sissies walk like that.” I honor my parents for what they knew. They were only trying to protect me with the knowledge they were given. After being taken in and out of school, misdiagnosed with childhood depression and OCD, my parents just assumed I would turn out gay. I was shocked to learn after all the times being sent home crying for feeling too feminine for a boy’s body no one diagnosed me as transgender. A part of me is pissed, I want to scream, “Who was in charge? Did anyone give a fuck?”
Of course, now I know not everyone knew about gender identity issues, especially in a small Midwest town. After leaving my hometown and discussing my gender identity issues with a therapist, I immediately started the physical transformation which began with lots of hormones and ended with major surgeries. I flew all over the world to see the best of the best. Vagina in Thailand, nose and lip-lift in Beverly Hills. I wanted to look like me, not some girl who had a lot of plastic surgery. During any transformation in life you are vulnerable, like an open wound just waiting to heal. Most trans people, including myself, deal with a lot of bullying, which I thought would be over after high school. But during my awkward transformational stages I was beat up by society. I couldn’t get a job for over a year, and dating was not even an option. I felt all the doors close and it was extremely lonely.
As the healing ended and I was forced to face the world as me, Billie Lee, a beautiful woman, I was so shocked at all the possibilities. Every door just opened up for me, it was as if the red carpet was rolled out. Job opportunities were everywhere, boys were lined up. I thought, “Wow, society finally accepts me! I’ve finally made it!” I literally walked around, and still do, amazed by what my beauty does for me. As society accepted me as a woman, I thought, “This is the dream! I’m finally the cool kid on the block.” No one questioned anything.
I learned that in the trans community, that’s called “passing,” so I did what any cool kid would do: I hid everything that wasn’t cool. I took my past along with the transition and locked it up in a box and I hid it in that dark alley where no one would find it. With the help of a very well-known therapist, I acted as if I was a natural-born woman. As I started to live my new life I would find myself connecting with people, but once it got to a deep level I would bounce. Staying too long could result in them finding out.
Every decision I made to cover up my past was taking me further away from myself. A few years would go by and I found myself knee-deep in judgment and rejection. It started with an instant connection. I’ve never felt my heart space open so quickly. He was a deep, beautiful soul with amazing power. I thought, “This is the guy I can tell everything to.” I was almost certain he would understand my past, so I told him. His reaction started with shock, then a deep silence, and I felt the fear enter the room like a creepy serial killer. His first words were, “I’ll never look at you the same. Never.” He rejected me so harshly I was left split open, raw, on my kitchen floor for days. I didn’t want to leave my apartment, I was so devastated.
During this dark time I realized I was so ashamed of who I was! I had no self-love! All the love I was getting was from an outside source who didn’t even know the real me! After three more rounds of being harshly rejected and left on the kitchen floor, I realized I was insane. I was doing the same thing over and over, hoping and expecting a different outcome. What other way is there? Being honest? Should I scream it? Wait, maybe I’ll get a tattoo that says, “Hi, I’m transgender!” Would all my cool kid powers vanish?
As I lifted myself off the floor I knew I needed healing. I attached myself to every spiritual person I knew and I lived in my local spiritual bookstore, reading every self-help book I could find. I started to notice a massive shift in who I was becoming. I started asking, “Who am I? Who am I?” I started being honest with people around me, and they accepted me! I’ve learned over the years we are just reflections of each other! The guys I was dating had trouble with me being transgender because I was having trouble with it! Fear attracts fear! My world was raining “Aha!” moments. I knew what I had to do. I knew I needed to love myself first before anyone else would love me. My dream is not to be a woman who blends in with society so she’s accepted, my new dream is to fully embrace my true authentic self, and honor and love her fully.
As I close up shop and transition into my next chapter, I’m forced to be with myself. Yup, just my thoughts and I. My cafe was my life – every memory started with Sundara. Over the past two years I built a community that I loved, even the awkward run-ins with my exes, a fling that ended up being a soulmate, or that infamous walk of shame to my treehouse. As I pack up the last two years of my life, I can’t help but be intoxicated by all the memories, good and bad.
Will I ever see him again? Will I ever have that sense of community? I found myself lying in bed for days, thinking “What do I do with no customers, no early wake up calls, no Sundara?” Luckily, a dear friend dragged me to a yoga class where I lied in shavasana crying. What is wrong with me? Am I hung over from all the excitement? Why do I feel so sad? Selling my cafe is what I wanted! Why do I feel stuck, as if all my memories have a hold of me like quicksand? As the class was coming to an end, the yoga teacher gave me a quick head massage and whispered “You only have the present moment.” In that moment every spiritual book I read came rushing through my mind. Be present! Don’t worry, embrace the change. New and exciting energy is coming your way!
I walked out of that yoga class feeling inspired. I don’t need to dwell on my past or resist my future. Really all I have to do is enjoy this very present moment.
Why do we dwell on the past? Why does change bring up so many memories?
Here are 6 things that will help you stay present:
1. Focus on the now
In order to live in the moment, you need to focus on the now. Focus on what you’re doing. Shut off the TV, turn off the computer, slow down and savor the present.
Jay Dixit, who is the senior editor of Psychology Today, refers to this as mindfulness, or being with your thoughts as they are. According to Dixit, living for the moment by practicing mindfulness reduces stress, boosts your immune system, lowers blood pressure and has other beneficial physical and mental effects. Dixit adds that mindful people are more secure, have higher self-esteem and are happier.
According to Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., psychologist and educator at the University of California at Riverside and author of The How of Happiness, savoring or relishing life in the moment — whether it’s eating a meal, drinking a cup of coffee or walking to the store — elicits happiness and other positive emotions.
2. Pay attention to the small things
Notice the world around you: the small things. Be thankful for them. Living for the moment and taking notice of the small things will help you cultivate more positive experiences.
Cheryl Rainfield, an artist and writer, recommends you pay attention to the little things that make you happy, like eating ice cream, blowing bubbles or listening to music, as these things can make a huge difference in how you feel.
3. Smile
If you want to know how to live in the moment, you just have to take a look in the mirror and smile. Smile — it can influence how you feel.
Scientific American Mind magazine reports that making an emotional face influences how we feel. The magazine adds that there is an association in our mind between how we feel and how we react. If we feel happy, we smile. If we smile, it makes us feel happy. Our face communicates our state of mind to others and to ourselves. So smile — it will make you happier and help you appreciate life in the moment.
4. Perform random acts of kindness
Random acts of kindness, those selfless acts that help others, help you live for the moment of making others smile, and making yourself smile as well. Random acts of kindness are just that—random. They are spontaneous, in the moment and a great addition to your daily life.
The next time you see that person walking in the rain, offer them your umbrella. That stranded motorist? Call for help. The elderly lady struggling with her groceries? Carry them for her. One of the easiest lessons for how to live in the moment is to do something for someone else without expecting anything in return. It not only helps you live in the moment, but improves that moment for you and someone else.
5. Give thanks
Be thankful. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? But it isn’t always. It doesn’t have to be Thanksgiving for you to feel grateful and express that gratitude.
Every now and then, remember to stop and take stock of just how good you have it. When your friend makes you smile, thank her for being in your life. When your boss gives you a new task, say thanks, remembering that you still have a job and can put food on the table. When you think it or feel it, say it right then. Live in the moment by expressing your gratitude when you feel it.
6. Don’t worry
It’s much harder than it sounds, but try to remember that worrying today won’t change what happens tomorrow. Every second you spend in worry about the future is a second of the present wasted. Because worrying takes you out of this moment and transports you into the realm of future possibilities, it’s impossible to live in the moment and worry at the same time.
Instead, if circumstances are troubling, focus on ways you can solve an existing problem now or otherwise improve the current moment. Spending time focused on what may happen down the line robs you of fully experiencing what is happening now. Life in the moment moves quickly — don’t miss it.
Love ya, Love you mean it…? No, I love you! right?
Sometimes I catch myself playing into the game of demeaning love. My goal is to love everyone and no matter who they are. I should still try to relate and understand where they come from so I can love with no condition. of course it can be challenging to love some people but I think we should try for our own peace of mind. I try to find something good in everyone and love that.
Lets promise each other, I’m going to be true and in touch with my feelings. I catch myself saying it and it doesn’t feel authentic or real. Maybe we say it out of habit or we don’t really know if it’s love. Either way it’s something that deserves more attention. Their will be times we might not love someone which is all the reason to forgive, change your perspective and love all over again.
