As I walk through my local farmers’ market, I can’t help but notice all the couples holding hands and cuddling each other while picking out fresh broccoli. Being in a relationship is something I’ve desired since I was a teen boy trapped in the wrong body. It’s weird to say out loud, but as a 32-year-old woman I’ve never been someone’s girlfriend. My lack of self-love has attracted the sort of guys who love hanging out with me but would never commit to or marry someone like me. I’ve heard every excuse – “My parents would never accept a trans woman as my girlfriend,” or “I really want my own kids and you can’t provide that.” Of course I always played the power card, pretending it didn’t hurt and usually finding a way to make them feel small. 

 I’ve spent the last five years accepting crumbs as a relationship. My last “relationship” (a.k.a. “we’re just friends”) was all me. I spent hours loving and pleasing this guy, just hoping for him to throw me a bone or two – Wait, he touched my leg… Wow, he actually cuddled me for a few minutes while we slept, I wonder if he knew it was me. I became “friends” with someone who wasn’t capable of loving and connecting with me. Of course there were many, many moments of joy – late-night talks about spirituality and the magic of our universe. Those deep levels of awareness fed me enough that I convinced myself I didn’t need physical touch or public acknowledgement.

 If you ever see me out with my friends, you will most likely see me groping them or massaging them or playing with their hair. I am a very affectionate person who just loves loving. I spent years as a teen not allowed to be affectionate with boys – they would beat me up just for looking at them too long. Maybe it’s all that suppressed energy from not being able to express it as a child, but as an adult my love is overflowing into the universe. 

 I felt this boy’s “we’re just friends” pain, I felt his energy as if he was a part of me. As I learned more about him I realized how similar the experiences we shared were. It was as if our energy was a match – we quickly became dependent on each other and would laugh at how we were just an old lazy couple from the Midwest. One evening, I shared my developed feelings for him, knowing he wasn’t fully available to connect due to his own childhood scars. He said softly, “I really enjoy you and our time… I just don’t see myself marrying someone like you.” Cue the knives stabbing me in the chest. Surprisingly, I wasn’t upset with him. I was hurt for sure, but I was upset with myself – What the fuck am I doing here? Why do I keep settling for these crumbs? The guy could barely touch me, but I still allowed myself to accept the tiny bit he gave me, and then what do I do? I fall for the guy. It just shows how little I’m willing to accept in my life.

 I asked myself the question, “What do you want in a relationship?” I immediately started journaling what I wanted. I told every friend I had, including the “we’re just friends” boy, that I want a man who will be proud of me, who will hold my hand while walking at the farmers’ market, or cuddle me while watching a movie. I want love! I want a man to love me as the woman I truly am. I want to be someone’s girlfriend, wife, and yes – baby fucking momma! 

 As I exit the farmers market, I won’t be bitter or jealous of the love surrounding me. I will use it as a tool to manifest everything I want and deserve.

 I challenge all you beautiful soul pies reading this – are you happy or satisfied with your current relationship? Maybe you’re single, waiting for the universe to gift you with the one, that soulmate or twin flame who will change everything. Start a manifesting journal with me. By writing down all the details we desire in a partner, we will let the universe know we’re ready. We all deserve to be showered with love. 

 Write daily – just once will not be enough energy. Also imagine the love you receive from this person, imagine life with unconditional love. Be excited! The energy of excitement will create the message to the universe, and the more excited you are during your manifesting, the more powerful your message to the universe will be. 

 

Five signs you’re settling for less than you deserve in a relationship: 

 

The relationship brings you down and your significant other doesn’t inspire you to do your best. Perhaps he/she is overly critical or too focused on his/her needs to be supportive of you.

 You feel you have to change yourself — your values, goals, or dreams — for your partner to accept you.

 You are in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. You may have hidden this from family or friends due to shame or codependency issues — putting your partner’s needs before your own.

 You’ve been cheated on repeatedly and keep giving him or her more chances in spite of the fact that he or she has proven to be untrustworthy.

You sacrifice too much. Since your partner is unable to compromise, you morph into someone else to accommodate his or her expectations, needs, or desires.

 

Check out the original article:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/17/settling-relationship_n_4777120.html