“Sometimes something good has to be subtracted from our lives before something better can take its place.”
– Ann Spangler
As someone who’s had their fair share of rejection, I figured I would write on the subject. I feel the most powerful rejection is either romantic, familial, or professional.
For me personally, the rejection of a lover has been most impactful. As I was doing my research on rejection, I realized how much energy I spent trying to prevent rejection. I’ve been told by guys I’ve dated to stop agreeing or settling for what they wanted. “Yeah, sure, whatever you want!” Honestly, I just wanted their love and acceptance and I didn’t care what movie we went to or where we were eating as long as they were satisfied with me and the situation. I was always trying to avoid being rejected.
Of course I wasn’t intentionally thinking it every time, but I was unconsciously making decisions that would “protect me.” Yes, I’m the girlfriend who will cook you dinner, wash your clothes, have passionate sex all night and wake you up with fresh coffee and a blow job. I am a full-blown giver who loves to please. I always thought “Wow, what a catch!” as I patted myself on the back. However, in all honestly, I really didn’t even like some of the guys. I would find myself consumed by a guy who really didn’t do much for me besides accept me. What kinda deal is that?
So, if you’re getting my drift, I would do a lot of shit just to prevent myself from being rejected! Why? I see a lot of my friends doing the same – we change and mold ourselves to others, forcing it to work. But when it doesn’t, we’re left distraught and clueless. No matter what I googled or read, it all came down to that feeling of someone’s words of rejection ripping your chest out while drop kicking you to the floor. I think we can all recall at some point in our lives the energy of rejection and how awful it feels.
Fear of anything will direct your life in a path that does not serve your higher self. We must learn to trust the universe and, like Don Miguel Ruiz wrote in the book Four Agreements, don’t take things personally! You can cook all day, give the best blow jobs ever, and still be dropped to the curb. The next time I’m rejected, I will face it, feel it, and accept it. I may shed a few tears, but I will tell myself that sometimes good things have to be subtracted from our lives before something better can take its place. Yes, something better is coming. I’m actually grateful for all the rejection – it’s lead me to this beautiful place of love and self-acceptance.
I’m leaving you with a few facts about rejection.
1. The Relation to Physical Pain
Perhaps the biggest reason why rejection hurts so much is that it triggers the very same pathways in the brain as physical pain. Research through MRI studies has discovered that we respond so similarly to both physical pain and to rejection that the emotional pain induced by being rejected can be significantly soothed by Tylenol – an effective and popular pain reliever.
2. Human Evolution and the Past
Evolutionary psychologists are of the opinion that we developed our aversion to rejection as long ago as the age of hunting and gathering. In that era, people would often be ostracized from their tribes, for one reason or another, and such rejection was tantamount to a death penalty, for no single person could survive alone for any considerable period of time. Thus, the brains of our ancestors may have developed an alarm system, warning them through physical pain to behave properly, or else.
3. Relive the Pain and Agony
Even though we all do it, most of us don’t realize that when we relive the pain of social or romantic rejection, it is far more vivid compared to our re-experiences of physical pain. This phenomenon is perhaps also related to our evolutionary past, passed on down to us through our DNA by our ancestors, so that we remain social animals and continue to live together, on pain of rejection.
4. Inherent Human Need to Belong
If you have ever experienced rejection – and you’re extremely fortunate if you haven’t – you will remember the ‘I don’t need anyone!’ moment. We all have one of these moments, rejecting the entirety of humanity in our defiance, yet we all know that we have just lied to ourselves. We have an inherent need to belong, whether it is to a group, a community, or to a nation or ideology at large, and while rejection can destabilize this need for, and sense of, belonging, reconnecting with our loved ones can help alleviate the pain considerably.
5. The By-Products: Anger and Aggression
It is a favorite plot point in comic books, TV shows, and movies: a person experiences rejection, however slight or major, real or perceived, and goes on to become a villain, or even super villain, in order to exact revenge. Such plots are based on fact, though, as rejection does cause a surge of anger, leading to targeted aggression towards those responsible for hurting us.
6. Lower IQs and the Self-Destruct Button
Anger, aggression, and intense emotional pain are not the only products of rejection though. It has been found through studies that experiencing or reliving rejection can cause our IQs to be lowered temporarily, as we are unable to think clearly during such moments. Furthermore, rejection seems to trigger the self-destruct sequence built within our brains, as is evident in everyone who has continuously found fault in themselves and experienced low self-esteem after being rejected by a romantic interest.
Check out the original article regarding the six facts of rejection:
http://www.geniusawakening.com/genius-life/surprising-facts-rejection/
